Sibling Rivalry
by Teresa, The CuteKid™ Staff
Sibling rivalry has been around since the beginning of time. As parents we are all aware of it. In fact we were most likely involved in some form of sibling rivalry while growing up. But why does sibling rivalry exist?
Children compete for their parents' attention.
There is only so much time and attention that parents can devote to their children. If there is
only one child in the family that child receives all of the attention. The more children in the
family the less time that a parent has to devote to each child. Take my cousin for instance. She
had her first child professionally photographed every single month. She sent out monthly emails
with numerous photographs to every family member. Since the birth of her second child the emails
come only every few months. The pictures are divided between her first and second child. Plus her
second child has only been professionally photographed once. It's not because she loves her second
child any less but because her time is now divided between two children when before her first child
had it all.
With the arrival of more children siblings will begin competing for a parent's love, time, and
attention. Often a younger sibling will exhibit different traits than their older brother or
sister. Realizing that as long as they are the same they will be less likely to be recognized. But
if they are different then their parents will praise their successes as well.
Children do not get to choose who their siblings are. Sometimes children just
have conflicting personalities. My youngest and oldest children are more dominant. Both of them like being in
control. As a result they fight more with each other than my middle child does. She is usually my peacemaker.
Age can play a factor in sibling rivalry. When a new baby is born the older
sibling often has a hard time adjusting to someone taking their place and their parents time. When my youngest
daughter was born her sister was just 19 months old. When she came to see me at the hospital I was holding the
new baby. After that she would not let me hold her or even look at me. It took a few weeks before she actually
held the new baby. Now they are good friends.
Children will often play together well during the elementary school years. Then as they become teenagers conflicts
will arise. My sister, just 18 months younger than I, were best friends until I was in 9th grade and she was in
7th. At that point conflicts over clothes, keeping our room clean, and other things came into play. There were
many more arguments. I remember my mother saying that she was afraid we would never be friends again. Yet now I
consider my sister my best friend.
Parents deal with each child differently.
Parents do not treat each child exactly the same, because every child is different. Children often
see this difference and perceive it as being unfair. Your child who is older will obviously get to
stay up later or have a sleep over with a friend. My daughters often think it is unfair that my son
has a dirt bike and gets to go riding with dad.
How can a parent deal with sibling rivalry?
Don't worry about treating your children exactly the same.
You can't be expected to treat each child the same and you can kill yourself trying. Just because
you allow your ten year old to go to a sleepover doesn't mean you should let your four year old as
well. Don't give into the "It's not fair" strategy that children often use. Growing up my whenever
we used that phrase my dad would respond "Life isn't fair." It's not and learning that will actually
help your child in the long run.
Children often need different types of discipline as well. Time outs do not make my son change his
behavior, but taking away privileges like his play station does. My middle child is very sensitive
and the slightest reprimand will put her in tears. My youngest on the other hand is phased by nothing.
She has to spend a long time in time out before she is willing to apologize or admit wrong.
Spend time with each child individually. Every child needs some
one-on-one time with a parent. My son loves going dirt bike riding with his dad. At home his sisters
often monopolize his dad's time but he gets the riding time so he's okay. I try to spend time playing
with each of my girls during the day. One idea is to take a different child with you each time to run
errands or go to the grocery store. They will feel special being with you and you will still get your
work done.
Be aware of conflict causing situations.
There are some things that are guaranteed to cause sibling rivalry like allowing one child to stay
up late. So intervene early. Explain why the privilege is being allowed for that child. In our home
I often buy the same gifts for both of my daughters because I know that there will be fighting over
toys if I don't. For my daughter's third birthday I bought two different princess dress-up sets
so that each of the girls would have one to play with.
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