What is tattling?
Tattling is when one child will tell on another child for some minor offense that a
parent would rather not hear about. For example my daughter telling me, "Tyler didn't
put his plate in the sink," is tattling. His not putting his plate in the sink does not
hurt her. Tyler is not in any danger either.
Why do kids tattle?
They do it to get others in trouble. Because when they do it gives them attention, they
feel powerful, and their status is elevated over that of the other child. Usually the child
that is tattled on gets in trouble and the tattler feels proud and
justified in their tattling.
But no one likes a tattler. For parents tattling can become a massive problem. The sooner it
is dealt with the better.
What about toddlers tattling?
Some toddlers tattle for the same reason that older children do but others do not. According to
Dr. Susanne Denham of George Mason University toddlers often tattle because of their emerging moral
sense. "Something violates a rule that they just realized exists, they get upset, and they want
the rule enforced." But that doesn't change the fact that tattling needs to be curbed.
When your toddler tattles to you. Ask questions about how they are feeling. Turn the focus on
the tattler instead of whom the child is tattling on. Let your child know that you are willing to
listen to anything they want to tell you about themselves but not someone else. Dr. Denham recommends,
"I would probably ignore a lot of it when they're very young and then as they get a bit bigger tell
them there are times when they have to deal with things themselves."
You can also help teach your toddler what to do instead of tattling. Give them strategies to cope
with the behavior that initiated the tattling. If they are fighting over a toy suggest that the child
play with something else.
Among toddlers tattling may mean that the children are tired of playing with each other. The more
tired a child is the more they are likely to tattle. I've found that when it is near naptime I get told
about everything that happens.
Do not discipline the other child unless a rule has actually been broken. This will only reinforce
the tattler's behavior. Plus they will not learn to fight their own battles and solve their own
disagreements.
What do I do when my older Child Tattles?
Start by making the tattling behavior "un-useful." If tattling does not get the desired response
the tattling will end. For example when my daughter says, "Tyler didn't put his plate in the sink."
I could say something like "Tyler's plate is not your concern," or "Why don't you talk to Tyler about
that?" I often tell my son when he tattles to take care of himself and let me be the mom. Instead of
automatically punishing or reprimanding the other child I make the tattling a non-issue.
Help your child develop their own problem solving strategies instead of always coming to you.
When my son tells me something like his sister is not taking turns I often tell him to solve the
problem on his own. He is old enough to talk to her about it and either resolve it, or stop playing
the game.
Another option is to make your children turn the tattling into a request for help. Instead of
the tattling being about the other person the child has to make it about him or herself. Then
instead of tattling it becomes a request to help solve a conflict. Telling a parent, "Rachel hit
me," becomes "I need help getting Rachel to take turns with the doll." After a while children will
only start telling you about things that are really important. It is hard to turn Tyler's leaving
his plate on the table into your own problem, because it really does not affect the child tattling.
Teach your child the difference between tattling and telling a parent when someone is in danger
or doing something really wrong. My youngest child likes to get into things and my son will often
tell me things like, "Kelsey's playing in the toilet," or "Kelsey spilled all the cereal." These are
things that I really want to know. So I tell him thank you for telling me and solve the problem myself.
On the other hand sometimes he tattles on his sister and I have to remind him that the act was not
important and to take care of himself.
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