So you think you know how to be a parent of a teenager?

No matter how successful your parenting skills have been in the past, you will need to develop some new ones to parent a teenager.

Look at the following suggestions and try to incorporate each into your PERSONAL PARENTING PLAN at the end of this book.

Respect Your Child?s Budding Maturity

The most important thing you have to do is to acknowledge that your son or daughter is no longer a ?child? per se and to learn to respect their privacy, their wishes and preferences and their opinions.

Even if you disagree with their mode of dress or music, remember that you can?t mold your child to be a replica of you.

They want to be their own person.

Short of the destruction of their room, you should give them some space to personalize their choices.

There will be many other, more important, things that need your attention.

So, pick your battles!

If you fight over everything, every day, your child is less likely to listen and respect your wishes when something important comes up.

Trust us on this one: Your child will not go to his first day of work as an attorney, dressed in baggy pants down around his buttocks with a ring in his nose. He WILL grow out of this phase.

Just give him some room.

If you insist on picking at everything he does, he is even more likely to continue doing those things just out of spite.

If your child is dressing poorly and you need her to clean up for a special occasion, here is what to do.

Firmly, but nicely tell her (far enough in advance that she can plan for the occasion) that you want her to suspend her individuality for just one day out of respect for Grandma or Aunt Cecily.

Don?t tell her she looks like a slob or you hate the way she looks, just ask her to respect the occasion and the people attending the event and dress in a more moderate fashion for that day.

Draw the line at disrespect and destruction, but please try to respect your child?s efforts to become his own person.

Let him make mistakes and try new things.

That is the way he learns. As a toddler, you had to protect him from walking into the middle of the street.

As a teenager, you will of course insist that he not drink and drive, but you CAN?T stop him from all experimentation.

That is a fact of life.

You are not with him 24 hours a day anymore, so if he tries a cigarette or a beer, you will never know.

You will probably find out about these indulgences years later when he is older and he feels comfortable telling you his funny story about how he and his friends stole a beer from a friend?s pantry to try beer when they were 14.

You aren?t going to find out about when he?s 14, unless the parent discovers the missing beer!

Recognize that your teenager is going to be self-centered. They are likely to forget about your feelings and roll their eyes when you talk to them.

They are likely to complain about you to their friends, no matter how ?cool? you think you are as a parent.

Don?t take it personally!

This is a phase every teenager goes through.

If you feel they are striking out at you as a person, you will become defensive or feel you have to take out your frustrations on them.


Learn Teen-Speak

As a child, your daughter may have been ?Chatty Cathy?. Then, one day, you wake up to find a morose, sullen, silent child sitting across the breakfast table.

Where did that sunny disposition go?

It is a cocktail of confusion, uncertainty and hormones that caused this sudden change, but the good news is that it will pass!

Don?t try to dig information out of your child or to rifle through drawers or pockets to find out things.

Give your child some space to figure out her own feelings.

If she is struggling with her emotions, buy her a diary or journal and suggest that she starting writing things down to get them on paper.

If she trusts a cousin, one of your sisters or other relative, be sure she has regular access to that person to talk freely and DON?T pump that family member or friend for information.

If there is something serious going on, you will find out about it. Your child will appreciate your trust.

Stay in touch with your child and try to do things together even if they are small things like shopping or doing chores.

Any opportunity to chat will keep the lines of communication open and even if your child isn?t confiding in you, if you know them well enough, you?ll know whether there are problems.

Many parents say that riding in the car with a teenager is a great way to open the lines of communication.

With their music playing in the background and a long ride to visit a relative or check out a prospective college campus, a teenager may open up more about little things and big things.

Possibly because you are not making eye contact, because your eyes are on the road, it is easier for him to talk to you and not have to face you when talking about things that may be personal or embarrassing.

Rather like a phone conversation, this emotional distance, allows your teenager some space to think and talk about things he might not otherwise talk about.

Watch your child carefully for the right time to talk to her about things.

If she is obviously struggling with a school problem or something else is going on, don?t pick that day to fight with her about homework.

Let your child know that you are proud of them and that you understand when they are going through something tough.

Don?t deny their feelings by telling them not to be negative or upset.

Acknowledge that being a teenager is tough work and give some examples of how you understand.

Teenagers don?t like to be lied to, anymore than anyone else does and they don?t like it if you pretend that everything is rosy when they aren?t feeling that way.

It is your job to give options and to be supportive but not to make them feel as if they should not complain.

Whether it is an unrequited love, a bad report card, or not making the basketball team, these are serious things at this age.

Try to remember how YOU felt then and don?t laugh it off.

If your child would rather talk to a friend about the problem, give him the space to do that. Don?t listen in on conversations.

IF your child DOES tell you something in confidence, DO NOT spread it around. You should even ask him before telling your spouse or partner about the situation.

While you certainly don?t want to play your partner against your child, ASKING your child for permission to discuss this with someone else (no matter who that person is) shows him that you respect his privacy.

If it is a serious issue and your child doesn?t want you to tell even his other parent, agree to give him a day or so to straighten things out, but let him know that you feel strongly about telling his other parent.

Suggest that perhaps your child might want to talk to your spouse or partner HIMSELF if he doesn?t want you to do it. Give him some options.

You have to work with your teenager and respect his wishes and preferences if to prove to him that he can trust you during this crucial time in his life.

About the Author:

Janet Hart is the owner of Free Family HelpA free family resource site offering free tips, books, and more. Sign up today for a free newsletter to receive even more parenting tips! Free Family Help Newsletter