PARENTING 20-SOMETHING KIDS....STILL? So whats with parenting 20-something kids? Arent wethrough with our parenting duties by then? Most youngadults in their twenties are in college, in the military orworking somewhere. Our job as parents is pretty much over,isnt it? Many people think it is, but the truth remains, we arestill mom and dad, still employed with a job to do. Thetime between teen-age and adulthood are transition years forthem, as well as for us. The biggest change is now in ourjob description. What we used to do as parents of teen-agers no longer works for parents of young adults. Ourcommunication, the way we relate and speak to them, the wayswe love them, even how much we give them must be adjusted. If you think about it, really, we wouldnt want it anyother way. We want our children to become independent,responsible adults. We want them to be able to makedecisions, to stand on their own, to work through toughchoices. If we have done our jobs well up until this point,we can relax, breathe a sigh of relief. Our kids are wellon their way to becoming positive additions to society. For years around our house, the familiar phrase was "wevegot to save for college." With every monetary giftreceived, a portion had to "save for college." Inelementary school, the push was on for the gifted program orhigher math because it would serve our kids better whenpreparing for college. College, college, college. Thatbecame the milestone. The belief was that once that hurdlewas achieved, we would be home free. Our worries would beover. Our kids would be "done," safely arrived on the worldscene. This pseudo milestone is just that-one conjured up by ourculture. Of course, it IS a huge accomplishment but itsnot a measure of whether our child still needs us. Often,the hardest years are those during and right out of college.Graduates wonder, "what now?" They have no clue what to dowith their English or psychology degree. They needguidance. They need reassurance, encouragement and ouroptimism. So you see, were not done as parents at all.That idea that we can disappear is nothing more than a myth. What is different is the way we parent. No longer can wegive unsolicited advice and expect a positive response. No"Ok Johnny, get your hair cut, buy a new suit, and then sendin your resume to this company." All those things may needto be done, to be sure, but our methods of bossy telling,giving advice and instructing are no longer effective with agrown person. Seriously, do you like it when someone tellsyou what to do? No, of course not. Our style ofcommunication needs to shift. How? We can gently askquestions like, "Son, what are you going to do next in yourjob search?" Or, you might say, "I think your idea to buy anew suit is a good one. If youd like me to go along, letme know." Suggesting and affirming are much more effectivemethods than a straight out "heres how to do it." What about the kid who decides college isnt for him afterall the years of preparation? After all your planning andsaving? You know he has the capability. He just doesntwant to go. Instead, he wants to travel around the countryor the world to "find" himself. Or, what if your daughterwants to get married right after high school graduation andyour hopes for her are dashed? Many parents find theirgoals for their kids, like a hall runner, have been pulledout from underneath them. They are frustrated, disappointedand often angry. This wasnt what they had in mind! Whatdo you do with that disappointment? The first thing not to do is take it out on your adultkids. Its time, Mom and Dad, to acknowledge that yourhopes and dreams may not be theirs. Its a hard thing toswallow and I think at some point every parent has to facethis reality. Our hopes and expectations are just that-ours. Expectations are merely another form of control. Inour minds, we reason that to be done right, it should bedone this way, thats all there is to it. Voila! Anexpectation is born. The key question to ask during the transition years of theearly 20s is this: "Will these words or this action promotea healthier relationship with my adult child? If we askthat question honestly whenever we are in doubt, I think wewill learn which way to act. During the teens, we helped our kids a lot. They dependedon us for everything still. Even if they had jobs, theystill lived at home, ate our food, drove our car, andwatched our TV. To help them become independent, we need tobegin doing less and let them do more for themselves. Someparents argue their kids cant afford to help out, or theydont have the time to help with chores, or whatever. Iftheir adult kids live at home, they should pay rent, helpout with the food, and pay for gas if they borrow the car.No longer should life be a free ride. Part of becoming aresponsible citizen is learning to accept personalobligations. Maybe part of the lesson they learn is thatthe profession or job they have chosen will not provideenough for them to support themselves and they need to makechanges. Theyll never learn that lesson if we continue toprovide a safety net. Another aspect of these transitional years is balance.Balance not only for our kids sakes but for ours. Newcommunication techniques can be vital. Some parentsacknowledge saying "no" to their kids is tough. How do youall of a sudden start saying, "no, you cant borrow the RVor the boat" or "no, I cannot baby-sit again this weekend?" Its simple. An honest explanation is all that is needed."We are planning to keep this RV as our retirement getawayand we are limiting its use so that it isnt worn out inthree years." Or, "Im sorry I cant sit this weekend. Wemade plans to have friends visit for the weekend." Its allin the way we say no. It has been suggested that when wesay no to a request to borrow money, that we try and dosomething else to show we care. For example, you mightinvite your child and spouse to dinner and movie on you. Oryou take them for ice cream, something to show you are therefor them, you are just not going to bail them out. What do you do if you and your husband disagree about anissue regarding your young adult? Its important to keep aunited front. Tell your child that you will get back tothem after you have discussed it with your spouse. Whendiscussing it, if you cant agree together, then bow out.If compromise isnt coming, then agree not to go one way orthe other. Dont admit to your child you dont agree.Simply say you will have to decline to help. Its vital for our adult kids to see us as parents happytogether, working on our relationship, building, looking toour future retirement. The fact that you "have a life" isan important example for them. Even if you are a singleparent, our kids need to observe us and how we handle thestorms of life. We are still role models, and our actionsstill teach and make an impression on our kids, even if theyare adults. My daughter, now 30 and married, recently thanked me forbeing a good parent. In her work as a therapist she seesmany severely dysfunctional families. It made me feelvalidated and it reinforced my belief that less is more whenour kids are grown. Theres something about maintainingspace that lets a person see whats truly there. When Imoved away from home as a young adult, ready to take on theworld, it didnt take long for me to realize that my parentswere pretty savvy people after all. I began to appreciatethem over the 500 miles of distance between us. It was myfirst real step in becoming an adult. So parents, if you have 20-something young adults, get ridof the idea that your parenting job is done. Youre not offthe hook, not yet. Remember were merely in a transitionalphase. The day is coming when they will be completelyindependent, responsible and personally accountable fortheir lives. And when that day comes, if weve done our jobwell, we can enjoy the satisfaction of a deep and lastingfriendship with our child-a worthy goal indeed.

About the Author

Martha Pope Gorris, writer and speaker,is the mom of two adult kids. She saw the need for a change in tactics when their relationship became strained. After interviewing many parents, she wrote the book, Parenting 20-Something Kids:Recognizing Your Role as They Find Their Way=>www.MarthaPopeGorris.com