Parenting is tough. I have 5 wonderful kids, and Im starting to get a feel for what good parenting might look like.

Not to be too blunt about it but children start out as little dictators. They have one goal - make the world satisfy their needs. A parents job is to socialize the little guys so they can become good members of their communities.

GOOD MEMBER OF COMMUNITY We can not all continue to act with childishly pure selfishness if we are going to live together. If you live alone on a desert island, it does not bother me one bit if you choose to drive down the middle of the road. If you live with others, please stay on the correct side. Every community has accepted standards of behavior, some enforced as laws, others just understood as common decency. Superlative behavior exhibits virtues above the minimums of legality and common decency. Higher standards are promoted by many groups from Scouting to fraternal organizations to religions. When people live to higher standards the quality of life in a community is improved for everyone.

SOCIALIZING A CHILD This is the hard part. To begin with, we must give up the concept of controlling the behavior of a child. It can not be done. Our ability and responsibility is to influence our children, but control is not available. As soon as a child can start to reason she starts to make choices. As parents we can influence those choices. We want our children to make good choices. Good choices lead to good behavior. Trying to control behavior by denying choice is disrespectful and ultimately ineffective. The choice is always there. Thats reality.

And what influence we have is limited. Each child has a unique set of gifts and limitations that will have much to do with how they will live their lives. Each child has a unique position in the sibling birth order. Each child will be socialized by others; teachers, peers, television, internet, etc. We do have the power to limit some of the other influences, particularly for younger children. We can exercise that power along with our ability to influence.

Another problem with influencing choices is we dont get to see the choice, we see the behavior that follows. One way around this is to discuss the choices with your child, and, when possible, give her options that she may not see.

Choices have consequences. All adults know that (although we may occasionally live in denial). Showing the logical connection between choices and consequences is something very valuable we can offer our kids. We give positive reinforcement for good behavior and negative for undesirable behavior. Giving in to a child pitching a fit tells her pitching a fit works. Guaranteed to get you more tantrums. Praise for the small good behaviors will also bring more of that.

The sequence of choice, behavior, and consequences is a feedback loop where consequences lead back to the next choice and around we go for another cycle.

It takes focus and a lot of self discipline to steadily reward the good and discourage the bad. I find it challenging. I also have noticed that it is hardest at first and gets easier as the kids start to adjust their behaviors to get the positive and avoid the negative, and thats positive reinforcement for my behavior!

Thanks B F Skinner!

Richard Duncan is a real estate lawyer who enjoys reading and thinking about life.