The Family Bed – Who’s Doing It?

Posted on 11. Mar, 2009 by The-Cute-Kid Photo Contest in Baby Center, Baby Sleeping Tips, Development, Parenting, Toddlers

The Family Bed – Who’s doing it?

By Jarrod Thalheimer

The family bed – it’s big, soft, and apparently community property. Mom and dad may claim ownership, but it’s the kids that exercise squatter’s rights in taking it over. So the question is, should you let them stake a claim or are you better off drawing a line in the hallway and forbidding the little hobos from crossing it? Must family closeness take a back seat to a good night’s sleep or is a restful slumber simply something to give up on until your children are seniors in college?

As a young man on the prowl, the male fantasy of having more than one party sharing your bed at one time loomed large in my circle of friends. Far-fetched? Absolutely, but great fodder nonetheless for booze-fueled boasts. Was such an egocentric goal shallow, depraved, and insultingly misogynistic? Most certainly, but the immature male mind is nothing if not creative in its selfish desires.

When It Comes to Bedtime, “The More, The Merrier”
Fast-forward to genuine adulthood and life with four kids. I never thought it was here that my wish would materialize, but come true it did, although with a few crucial differences. My Maxim dreams are more Sesame Street these days as the group sharing our bed is more likely to yell, “Swiper, no swiping!” than anything particularly naughty. The weird thing is, I couldn’t be happier with the situation even though many mornings we could quite literally use orange cones and a flag-person to regulate the traffic flow moving in and out of our bed. When I open my eyes to greet a new day there is a better than 50 percent chance that I will see a foot on my forehead or a tiny butt pressed into my face before actual sunlight penetrates.

Fast-forward to genuine adulthood and life with four kids. I never thought it was here that my wish would materialize, but come true it did, although with a few crucial differences. My Maxim dreams are more Sesame Street these days as the group sharing our bed is more likely to yell, “Swiper, no swiping!” than anything particularly naughty. The weird thing is, I couldn’t be happier with the situation even though many mornings we could quite literally use orange cones and a flag-person to regulate the traffic flow moving in and out of our bed. When I open my eyes to greet a new day there is a better than 50 percent chance that I will see a foot on my forehead or a tiny butt pressed into my face before actual sunlight penetrates.

And truly, heaven could not be any sweeter.

Thing is, many experts claim that letting the kids sleep in your bed, or co-sleeping as they dub it, is considered a bad idea. The Internet offers the testimonials of many who should know, all declaring co-sleeping a no-go. “It’s a safety issue,” they claim. A member of the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP), Dr. Douglas Baker has firsthand knowledge of several senseless deaths related solely to children being suffocated by their sleeping parents. The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission, along with the AAP, officially discourages the practice of co-sleeping due mainly to the potential safety hazards that exist.

It’s a Safety Issue
But what do you say to that sad face that peers down at you sometime south of 2 a.m. begging to snuggle in close? Well, first of all, a lot of the safety concerns are based on infants so the bigger kids are probably okay. Even still, if you’re one of those unfortunate souls that insist on downing half a case of beer and a handful of sleeping pills before bed I would suggest that sleeping with anyone at all is a bad idea. Any drug or medication that will keep you from waking up is obviously dangerous to folks weighing less than your right leg. If you can resist the meds and the drinks it should be okay to have a visitor or two.

Another legitimate concern is that letting older kids sleep with you will somehow make it so they don’t ever want to leave. This means you could either have a child who is afraid to sleep on his own or one who will positively remain an only child because mom and dad can’t get a chance to see if another brother or sister might be in the offing. So is the answer to all of this really coming down to a razor-wire screen at the foot of the bed?

I don’t think so.

So What Should We Do?
All kids need to learn to sleep in their own beds, if for no other reason than they’ll get a better night’s sleep if they do. Each one of them has their own bundle of odd habits which work fine in their own bed but pose definite problems when sharing. One kicks the blankets off, while another requires 30 pounds of cushions and immersive heat, while the last one cannot rest unless there are enough stuffed animals on hand to stock a Toys “R” Us. No matter what, learning to sleep in your own space provides a confidence that will be invaluable as they get older and further develop their sense of self.

That said, along with the list of detractors there is just as long a list of expert parent gurus who tell us we should be sleeping with our kids in order to bond with them and let them know how much we love them. I agree with this too. Some of my best conversations with my little ones come after hours when the lights are off. For a small child (or a big one) to know they are welcome to snuggle up to mom or dad when the night is at its darkest sends a message that will transcend the years and provide comfort long after they leave home.

If we can take a cue from the animals, there are few things more cozy and warm-looking than a sleeping mother and father surrounded by their dozing cubs.

Just not every night, okay?

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