Don’t Spank Your Kids! Time-Out Instead.

Posted on 11. Mar, 2009 by The-Cute-Kid Photo Contest in Development, Parenting, Toddlers, Tweens

Time Out Tips – Making Time-outs Work.

By Mary Fetzer

When it’s one of those days, the ones where nothing you do seems to sway your little one’s bad behavior, many parents look to the time-out to do the trick. Unfortunately, it just hasn’t worked for you. Either you can’t get your tot to stay still, he laughs at you, or you wind up yelling at him making him more upset.

The good news is time-outs don’t have to be a waste of time if you employ just the right technique. Take some time to read these tips…

What’s the Point of a Time-Out Anyway?

Renee Mostyn is mother to 5-year-old Nicholas and 2-year-old Nathaniel. Mostyn feels strongly that time-outs are effective. “When my boys are fighting,” says Mostyn, “it is unacceptable to me. Putting them in a time-out ends the fight and de-escalates the situation.”

The goal is to help your child learn to cope with frustration and soothe himself, a quality that he can take with him throughout his life. What time-outs shouldn’t be, though, is a form of punishment, says J im Weiss, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist.

“While a time-out can be used as a form of punishment,” says Weiss, “it is not recommended. Time-outs work better if they’re used to shape behavior rather than punish. If time-outs are used as a form of positive reinforcement (that is, rewarding behaviors you want to see more of) or negative reinforcement (which is removing unpleasant conditions to get the behavior you want), they stand a better chance of changing behavior than if they are done in the form of a punishment.”

So, When Can I Start?

Like anything you do with your children, age appropriateness is important. Make sure your child understands what a time-out is before you try to implement it. For most children, this will be between their second and third birthdays.

Some parents start as early as 18 months, but Stephanie Bourgeois thinks that may be too soon. “At this age, it’s actually better to distract a child, or to hold him until he calms down,” says Bourgeois, a psychotherapist. “He will learn to handle his emotions, to control his impulses, and to self-soothe.”

As the child approaches his third birthday, the “distract” or “hold” techniques can be converted to the time-out technique. Now, instead of just diverting the baby from undesirable behavior, you’re adding a quiet place for the child to spend some time alone. The child should be old enough now to understand that he is in this “quiet place” to settle down and get control of himself.

How Do I Do It?

• Do it right away.
  To be effective, the time-out must happen as soon as the misbehavior occurs. Escort your child to a predetermined time-out spot – a kitchen chair, the bottom stair, for instance – and instruct him to quietly remain there.
• Stay calm.
  Keep your demeanor firm, but unemotional. Unlike yelling or being upset, your calm reaction offers positive reinforcement and becomes a “teachable moment.”
• Keep it short.
  In kid time, doing something they don’t like for even one minute may seem like an eternity. So how long should your child be in a time-out? Weiss recommends one minute per year of age (three minutes for a three-year-old, four minutes for a four-year-old, etc.). As the child gets older, the time may vary depending on the behavior, for example “five minutes for fighting.” Oftentimes, it’s the actual removal of the child from the place of misbehavior that makes the impression rather than how long the child sits quietly in time-out.
• Be quiet.
  Screaming and talking should be avoided during the time-out period – and that goes for you, too! The time-out isn’t the time for you to lecture or preach. It’s only in the quiet time alone that the child can come to terms with why he’s there, and what he can do differently the next time.

  At the daycare Mostyn’s children attend, kids in time-out are expected to sit in silence until their time is up. While Mostyn appreciates that the daycare uses time-outs – thus reinforcing her use of them at home – she doesn’t necessarily agree that has to be silent time. “When Nicholas is sitting on the time-out step, I just go about my business, whether that be unloading the dishwasher, or whatever. He may cry, he may protest, but I think that’s alright. By the end of his time-out, he has calmed down and is ready to talk to me.”

• Be consistent.
  Use time-outs consistently. Whether or not you implement a time-out should not be determined by your mood or your location. When your child misbehaves, respond with a time-out, no matter where you. Says Mostyn, “If one of the boys acts up while we’re at a restaurant, I just take him out to the van for five minutes.” Whatever spot you choose for your on-the-go time-out, just make sure it’s unrewarding.
• Reconnect
  Immediately following the time-out, there should be a form of reconnection between you and your child. Weiss advises parents to be careful not to shame or embarrass the child. “Depending on the age of the child, the reconnection might involve a form of praise for cooperation or for calming down, or it might involve noting something elsethe child did well that day, or pointing out that it may be easier to interact now that they have calmed down, or that they are in a better place to solve the original problem.”

  Mostyn agrees. “I get down to their level, on my knees, and we talk calmly about what happened. We always end with a hug or a kiss.”

When It’s Over, It’s Over

Your child has served his time, hopefully learned his lesson and is ready to move on. Let him go. Until next time…

Get your cutie started in the entertainment business. The CuteKid™ is the internet’s largest and most respected child & baby photo contest. Join the fastest growing community of industry pros and parents like you! Your Cutie Pie into Baby Modeling.

It’s FREE to become a member and reap the rewards.

Do You Have a CuteKid™? Join today.

Tags: baby advice, child parenting, parent advice, parent center, Parenting, parents, teach kids