Parenting Skills – Raising Great Kids

Parenting skills is a direct measure of how well we raise our children. Parenting skills is also the art of raising kids that form the basis of a good society. Many parents do not realize that their behavior and actions have direct effect on their child. Parenting is not easy, but it is not hard either, provided you carry out a healthy and a loving two way relationship with the child. This article on “Parenting Skills” aims to provide information that may help in raising kids in a better way.

Parenting Skills Overview

When our parents were born, parenting skills were passed-on in joint families. If parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles didn’t live in the same house, they usually lived within a few miles. They were always available to impart their wisdom to the younger generation on the subjects of pregnancy, childbirth and raising children. Now, parenting skills are available only when we surf the internet, read books, take classes, talk to friends or relatives. We then filter these parenting skills through our own sensibilities to make them work for our families.

Parenting Skills – Building Character:

Character development begins at home. It is essential that as parents, we give as much as time as possible in upbringing of our child. Parenting skills tell us that character building won’t take a day or a week or a month. It is something which should be continued throughout the child’s life. As a parent, learn how you can develop a positive attitude and good character in your child. Helping your child develop a sense of right and wrong is one of the toughest jobs we have at our hands.

Parenting Skills – Imparting Wisdom:

Wisdom is the quality or a state of being thoughtful, even in difficult situations. One of the parenting skills that must be imparted by parents in their kids is to be wise. It is the knowledge of what is true or right. Wisdom is not just about wise sayings or preaching, but the knowledge that can prepare children for tomorrow.

Parenting Skills – Discipline:

One of the most important parenting skills is discipline. We parents are conflicted over what type of discipline to apply at what time. Appropriate discipline for a two year-old might not be appropriate for a 10 year-old or a teenager. The most important piece of the discipline puzzle is determining who is in charge: the parents or the child. This may sound simple, but in this day and age, the answer isn’t always clear. Children need firm boundaries that come from consistent parental discipline.

Parenting Skills – Education:

The ability to recognize what we teach our children is one of the parenting skills, from which we can all benefit. From the moment our children are born, they start learning. They learn that if they cry, we respond. If they pull our hair, we say, “ouch.” If they throw their cup on the floor, we pick it up. As time goes on, we also teach them to walk, talk, get dressed and say their A-B-C’s.

We cannot depend solely on the schools to fulfill this important duty. At some point during early childhood, parents must make a decision on how to handle a child’s formal education. Will the child be home-schooled or will they attend public or private school?

A child’s educational success is not always dependent upon where he attends school, but how involved his parents are in his education.

Parenting Skills – Teaching Values:

As parents, we also have the responsibility to teach our children morals and values. One of the important parenting skills is that we bring out the best in our child. We should try and put all values in our child to make him a good child and better human being for tomorrow.

Parenting Skills – Motivation and Boosting Your Child’s Self Esteem:

Self-esteem is a major key to success in life. Many people have a strong opinion on the importance of self-esteem in children. Parents have the most influence on their child’s self-esteem. Most parents do not realize how great an impact their words and actions have on their child. However, child development experts generally agree that parents play a major role in laying a solid foundation for a child’s self esteem development.

Children with a healthy sense of self-esteem feel that the important adults in their lives accept and care about them. You can help your child develop and maintain healthy self-esteem by helping him cope with defeat as well as success. Sometimes, it is important to point out that most people are not good at everything they try. Or perhaps there is a lesson to be learned from a mistake or lack of preparation. As a parent, you play a primary role in the development of your child’s sense of self worth and that sense of self will play a crucial role in your child’s future success.

We hope you find this article on “Parenting Skills” helpful. More articles on Parenting Skills coming soon.

Important Positive Parenting Tips

• Be Patient and Calm

This is one of the most important yet least implemented child development tips. It is not easy to keep your cool when things spiral out of control and your kids do something improper. Remember, being angry/shouting/spanking the child is not the right solution and above all it is not positive parenting. It might seem to be a good idea at the moment but it sets a bad example for kids. If you can’t leave the situation, then mentally step back and count to ten. Be kind but firm with your kids.

• Give Choices to Kids

Don’t impose yourself on kids. It can make them feel powerless and hamper your child’s development. Giving choices (whenever possible) is a healthy alternative to spanking or shouting at the child. If your child is playing with the food instead of eating it use kind but firm phrase “Would you like to finish your food or would you like to return to the table later?”

(Basic child psychology: Kids will be much happier if given choices, rather than imposing parents’ decisions. Hence, this child development tip works really well)

• Spend Time with Your Kids

This is one of the most important basics of positive parenting that helps in child development. Spending quality time boosts your child’s self esteem and confidence. Play with your child, take them out and encourage them to participate in activities.

• Using Logical Consequences is Necessary for Child Development

Logical consequences that arise from your child’s behavior can be used to teach them being responsible. For example, if your child breaks your neighbor’s window spanking/shouting at him does not show positive parenting attitude. A much better solution could be asking the child “I see you have broken a window, what will do to make it up?” May be the child help the neighbor in someway to repay the cost of the window?

This will teach your kid – Mistakes are an inevitable part of life but instead of hiding them or blaming someone else, we can work on them and make them correct .

• Do Not Give In to Their Unreasonable Demands

If you have an agreement that your child cannot buy a particular toy when he/she gets to the store, do not give in to her/his demands, pleas, tears or pouting. Your child will learn to respect you more if you mean what you say.

These positive parenting suggestions and tips will not only make it easy to raise your kids in a better way, these child development tips will also make sure that your kids grow into good human beings. We hope you find these child development and positive parenting suggestions useful in raising individuals that form a healthy and happy society. Good Luck!

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The Brady Bunch and Beyond

Step families today

By Michelle Bruns

There is no such thing as too much love. And, nowadays, stepfamilies, or “blended families” are more common than even the beloved Brady Bunch was in 1969. According to the most recent U.S. Census Bureau’s report, Living Arrangements of Children: 2004, 11 percent of children (5.7 million) under the age of 18 live with one biological or adoptive parent and one stepparent.

Despite these growing statistics, sometimes I cannot help but wonder if my son will feel “different” in our blended family situation. But, the more I learn about it and the more our family unifies, I realized that our “non-biofamily” is more of a blessing than I would have ever known. Certainly, every family is different and there is no way to consider every possible scenario but, overall, blended families can fulfill the same basic needs as a traditional family. And, after divorce, a blended family can provide safety, comfort, encouragement, and a sense of belonging, even more so than a single parent. However, it is vital that members of a blended family recognize their special dynamic in order to maintain expectations and adjust to their evolving household.

According to Peter Gerlach, a board member for the Retired Stepfamily Association of America, the biggest failure stepfamilies make is to fall for common stepfamily myths, such as:

• “What I’ve learned in my first-marriage family should work well enough in my new family. Experience counts! We’re not really that different!”

• “I should (i.e. must) love my stepchild(ren), and treat them just like my own.”

• “If I disagree with my stepchild or their other bioparent, my mate will usually support me without great guilt or anxiety.”

• “As a bioparent, I shouldn’t have to choose between my new mate and my child(ren)!”

• “My mate’s absent minor or grown kids will never come to live with us permanently.”

• “If I’m consistently honest, sincere, and warm, my stepchild(ren) will surely come to like (or love) and respect me.”

• “Your and my kids could never come between us!”

Have you made some (or all) of these assumptions? Try not to be too hard on yourself. Merging two families into one is not an easy feat, and doing your best to learn along the way is the key to a healthy family environment. Although the challenges of raising a blended family can be great, so can the reward. The story I heard of a child feeling sorry for another child because they have eight grandparents when the other child only has four gives me hope that an acceptance of the stepfamily as a family unit is on the rise.

When you are feeling frustrated or doubting that you are making the right decisions, remind yourself that even “biofamilies” encounter bumps, pitfalls, and challenges in raising a family, so do not dismay. Instead of worrying whether or not your modern day family is sticking out like a sore thumb, focus on embracing the love that your expanded family can bring you. After all, you are not alone!

How have you helped your child(ren) cope in your new family?

5 tips to keep in mind as you approach (dread) college exploration time

by Gina LaGuardia

How the day got here is beyond you. All of a sudden, that little girl in pigtails who used to cling to your leg is spending more time surfing college Web sites than downloading videos off YouTube (for now, anyway). Last week she wanted to go to nursing school, this week it’s business, just last month it was engineering. Though an array an opportunities await her – she can, after all, be anything she wants – so does the confusion on how to start planning for college, which college to choose, and how to pay for it all….

Here’s a list of five tips to ease your mind in between pangs of nostalgia for lollipops and playdates being replaced with tuition price comparisons and the thought of her dorming:

1)    Know that there will be hurdles. With so much choice and so little knowledge (your college days are a long way off and times have definitely changed!), expect some confusion. To prevent information overload, hit into a trusted site like The CollegeBound Network http://www.collegebound.net/college, which has been advising college-bound teens on colleges, careers, and more since 1996 and provides easy-to-search profiles of four-year and community colleges along with career schools that offer specific training based on your teen’s professional interests.

2)    Get organized. If you thought organizing your child’s diaper bag way back when was key to your sanity, think again. Helping her manage all of her  college mail, emails, open house material, and then applications, essays, and recommendation letters (oh my!) is a job in itself. Use a calendar, charts, and a foolproof filing method you’re comfortable with, advise experts at College Data.com (https://www.collegedata.com/cs/content/content_getinarticle_tmpl.jhtml?articleId=10053). “The most important thing is to find a system that works for you. It does not matter if it’s an old-fashioned wall calendar, a stack of folders, an electronic spreadsheet, or all of these.” Some ideas to help get things in order: Separate schools by “Yes” factors that mean something to your child: Where a school is located, majors offered, cost. Then work through your files/choices that way to start.

3)    Avoid the December mania. We all know that preparing for the holidays is a major time suck – add college application deadlines to that mix and it’s a recipe for disaster. Unless you’re prepared. Make sure your child begins her senior year of high school ready to hit the ground running: Schedule an appointment with the school’s guidance/college counselor as soon as possible, and be sure to work on applications as soon as they are available, leaving plenty of time for reworking, proofreading, and ultimate completion and submission.

4)    Get your finances in order. Make an appointment with your financial advisor to figure out what moves (if any) need to be made with available money for tuition. The Free Application for Federal Student Aid (FAFSA) is available January 1 of a teen’s senior year, but you can take a look at what data you will need for it ahead of time by logging onto http://www.fafsa.ed.gov/. Experts advise familiarizing yourself with the form, the process, and then adding (and checking off) the following items form your to-do list: Determine your dependency status; review the FAFSA on the Web worksheet; search for school codes; apply for a PIN; and make note (a big note!) of application deadline dates.

5)    Remember: You’re not alone. Millions of parents have navigated these tumultuous waters many times and survived! Ask them everything you can think of, log onto sites like College Parents of America (http://www.collegeparents.org) and The College Board’s parent portal (http://www.collegeboard.com/parents/plan/), then be proud of the fact that your baby has approached this important milestone. It won’t be long before she’s walking down the graduation aisle with a college diploma in hand and you’re hit with a wave of nostalgia thinking back to these very moments. Good luck!

Gina LaGuardia, former editor-in-chief of CollegeBound Teen Magazine, is the editorial director of The CollegeBound Network. She has watched hundreds of parents stress about – and then bask in – the excitement of college plan

10 Parent-Friendly TV Shows for Your Toddlers and Preschoolers

They may even learn something while you take a break

By Mary Fetzer

I’m guilty. I admit it. I’ve used the TV as a babysitter.

As grateful as I am for that half-hour of peace and quiet, I’m sometimes freaked out by the “Poltergeist effect” the TV can have on my kids. Their trance-like state is penetrable only by the TV’s power button. To calm my uneasiness, I try to make sure the programs they watch offer at least some underlying value.  Here are my Top 10 guilt-free picks:

1. The Backyardigans, Nick Jr.

From the catchy theme song to the colorful characters, The Backyardigans is a preschool favorite. Pablo, Uniqua, Tyrone, Tasha, and Austin hang out in each others’ backyards, where playtime turns into lively 3-D adventures. They travel on a pirate ship, visit a haunted house, and go to Mars… anything the imagination can conceive. With impressive animation and outstanding choreography, the Backyardigans encourage children to sing, dance, and imagine their way across oceans, through jungles, and back in time. Like all Nick Jr. shows, The Backyardigans is 20-minutes long and commercial-free, so parents can get a much-needed breather.

2. Dora the Explorer, Nick Jr.

Dora the Explorer is a wonderful, interactive program for preschoolers. The bilingual Latina girl and her best friend, Boots the Monkey, face obstacles and solve problems together. Even though each episode features a different character in a different dilemma, the flow of the show remains consistent, delighting viewers. Children can always count on Dora and Boots consulting with “Map” about their game plan, digging into “Backpack” for helpful tools, and warning away “Swiper the Fox” as he attempts to foil their plan. Dora encourages children to converse with the characters (in both English and Spanish!) and to get up off the couch and moving. Always ready to help a friend, Dora is an excellent role model.

3. Little Einsteins, Playhouse Disney

There’s nothing pretentious about exposing preschoolers to classical music – just watch Little Einsteins. Leo, Annie, June, and Quincy, along with their helpful Rocket, travel to learn about instruments, notes, staccatos, and crescendos, with a soundtrack that features well-known classical music by composers such as Bizet, Tchaikovsky, and Mozart. Anyone who took music lessons as a child will appreciate the vocabulary and musical selections. And folks will be impressed when your four-year-old, upon hearing dinner music in a restaurant, exclaims, “Hey, that’s Johann Sebastian Bach!”

4. Handy Manny, Playhouse Disney

This delightful show is like HGTV for kids. Manny is the town’s handyman, a polite, helpful fellow whose good friends include a set of talking tools. There’s Rusty the wrench, Stretch the tape measure, Squeeze the pliers, Dusty the saw, Pat the hammer, and Felipe and Turner the screwdrivers. And don’t forget clumsy Mr. Lopart who always needs a hand. Little ones watch and learn as Manny and the tools solve problems by working together.

5. Caillou, PBS

Four-year-old Caillou loves his family and his home, but enjoys “escaping” to make-believe adventures in each episode. Preschoolers will identify with Caillou – his reactions, vocabulary, and expressions are so realistic that you’d swear he was sitting right next to you in the living room. Youngsters will be inspired by Caillou’s imagination, and comforted by the fact that other kids pretend, too.

6. Dragon Tales, PBS

Follow this brother and sister as they “fly with dragons in a land apart.” Six-year-old Emmy is brave, smart, and confident, and her brother, Max, is four years old. When they travel to Dragon Land, the siblings find help with their challenge-of-the-day from their dragon friends. Ord, Cassie, Quetzal, and Zac and Wheezie, with their unique personalities, remind us of our human acquaintances. The show cleverly illustrates how friends with different outlooks help us find solutions to our problems.

7. Curious George, PBS

The lovable monkey from our childhood storybooks comes to life in educational 15-minute stories. Like George, preschoolers are curious by nature. They enjoy exploring science, engineering, and math with George as he lets his curiosity lead him from one adventure to another. They empathize when he spills or breaks or ruins things, and they breathe a sigh of relief when the forgiving Man in the Yellow Hat makes everything better.

8. Wow! Wow! Wubbzy!, Nick Jr.

It’s impossible to not like happy, little Wubbzy. He’s just a kid who likes to play with his friends Widget and Walden. Wow! Wow! Wubbzy! shows children that friends can work together – and sometimes things get worse before they get better – to get out of sticky situations. Cooperation, tolerance, and friendship are the takeaways.

9. Go, Diego, Go!, Nick Jr.

If you like Dora, you’ll like her cousin Diego. Diego is an eight-year-old animal rescuer. With his trusty field journal, computer, and talking camera, Click, Diego offers a new lesson with each episode. Children will learn about the sound, movement, habitat, diet, family, and physical characteristics of exotic animals from around the world. Young viewers will come away with a newfound respect for the environment.

10. Berenstain Bears, PBS

Papa, Mama, Sister, and Brother Bear “live down a sunny dirt road in Bear Country.” Their old-fashioned tree house lifestyle doesn’t lack modern-day drama, as the kids struggle with sibling rivalry, teasing, bad dreams, and strangers. The Bear family gives kids a warm, family feeling that encourages respect and tolerance for one another.

So, check the guilt at the living room threshold and let your kids live – and learn – a little through TV.

What has your little one learned from TV?

by Vicki Salemi

You know the drill. On the eve of every test it never fails.  Your young grade schooler is a bundle of nerves. Despite knowing the material, she’s afraid of blanking out during the exam and starts clamming up for no reason.

Well, history doesn’t have to repeat itself.  Considering she’ll have countless tests throughout her school career, it’s time to address this issue before it gets worse. We checked in with a couple of experts to help you turn your child into a relaxed and confident student when it comes to test taking 101.

Tone Down the Grade Talk, Then Play

According to Devin Thornburg, professor in the Ruth S. Ammon School of Education at Adelphi University, Garden City, NY, it’s important for parents to be available to listen to their children, and then talk to them about the purpose of the test. “Parents can emphasize the effort that the child makes on the test rather than the outcome,” he says. Too often, anxiety is the result of being focused on the outcome.  “If parents truly believe that children doing their best is as important – if not more so- it can help with anxiety.”

Plus, it may help to positively reinforce their test-taking ability afterwards. Perhaps make it like a game and quiz them the night before with flashcards if it’s a vocabulary or math test. By positively reinforcing their knowledge and telling them they know the subject, playing a fun game should hopefully ease their anxiety somewhat.

Focus on the Right Answers

Taking the pressure off will also lessen the importance of the negative and in turn, emphasize the positive. Experts say to focus on what your child is getting right instead of what she’s getting wrong. In fact, Lisa Jacobson, founder and CEO of Inspirica, a company focusing on individual tutoring and test preparation, says relaxed test takers have one thing in common. “They do not look at how many questions they are getting wrong, but instead focus on how many they are getting right.” In order to promote this testing gene in your kid, ask to look at their test after they get it back from their teacher and specifically point out how much they know.  Praise them for their correct answers instead of showing where they made errors.

Don’t Forget…

Jacobson also advises that you don’t neglect the basics, which may get lost in the shuffle. Since you want your child to feel mentally prepared even though she may get the jitters, ensure she gets a good night sleep. Try doing something relaxing such as watching a little must-see TV after the studying is done, to help calm her. Then, a good breakfast the next morning will get her on their way.

What test preparation routine works for your children?

Why do some seemingly normal people cross the line of no return and go from being supportive parents to aggression-crazed mouth-breathers desperate to see their kid win at all costs? Is there any hope of redemption?

Athletic Supporter, or Raving Lunatic?

When cheering for your kid goes too far

by Jarrod Thalheimer

• “Dad Disrupts Grade School Basketball Game” (IndyStar, Feb. 14, 2008)
• “One Father Attacks Another for Reacting to His Son’s Foul” (Sunday Telegraph, Dec. 2, 2007)
• “Parents Brawl at 9-Year Old’s Soccer Game” (New York Times, Nov. 18, 2007)
• “Man Slugs Kid’s Football Coach Over Playing Time” (AP, Oct. 2, 2007)
• “Boy’s Father, Uncle and Brother Assault Coach over Benching” (Newsday, Nov. 3, 2007)
• “Post-Game Parent’s Brawl Ends in Hospitalization and Leads to Charges” (The News Tribune, Sep. 30, 2007)

So Who Are You?

Are you a charter member of the dingbat-crazy fanatics club that seems to infest the sidelines of every minor league sporting event any given weekend? Maybe you’re not that bad yet. You just sit in the stands at your kid’s baseball game and heckle the ump a little. Suggest his mother or wife may have visited your condo the evening past – nothing serious – just a little psychological warfare to throw him off his game. What’s the harm, right?

There was a report that even Larry King himself was asked to leave a little league game for causing a ruckus. What is the deal these days? Are parents behaving like true athletic supporters or merely acting like the appendage such things protect?

When parents first look down on their sleeping children, most see a tiny baby bursting with promise. They wistfully imagine the possibilities… president, the doctor who cures cancer, architect, school teacher. For every one of these parents, there’s at least twice as many (or more) looking down and seeing visions of Tiger Woods or Cal Ripkin, Jr.

Keep Your Expectations in Check
Every parent thinks their kids are the best and want them to do well. They cheer and clap, encouraging them on. But, for some, the game becomes more than healthy competition. Rather, it’s a test of pride, commitment, and even ego. Everything is suddenly on the line and failure is simply not an option.

Carrie Cheadle, M.A., a sport psychology consultant and mental skills coach, lays out a few dos and don’ts on her Web site when it comes to childhood sports:

Dos for parents

Help your child set goals.

Help your child define success.

Don’ts for everyone

Specialize too early.

Lose sight of what is important.

Give feedback during a game.

Ensuring that you are not trying to relive your own unfulfilled sports dreams is the duty of all parents on the sidelines. If you truly want what is best for your kids, be certain that your actions are not showcasing the exact opposite of what you claim to desire.

Above all else, kids need to know that they are accepted and treasured, whether they perform well or not. Beware though… it’s a might hypocritical to pass on such eternal lessons while sitting astride your child’s umpire as you’re gleefully punching him in the face for calling a strike. Get a grip for pity’s sake!

Is it really too much to ask that parents take a moment to consider the long-term effects of their sideline behavior on the children? Acting like a spoiled brat OFF the field will only teach your kids to act that way ON the field. And how many parents look down on their newborn child and hope they will someday grow up to be a horse’s ass? These days, it would seem far too many.

Buck the trend and be an adult. You won’t regret it.

Admit it, have you lost your cool in defense of your child’s performance on or off the field?

Raising Honest Kids in a Dishonest World

Little white lies are more harmful than you think…

by Vicki Salemi

Whether it’s a high ranking government official like New York Governor Elliot Spitzer falling from grace, or an athletic hero being accused of steroid use like Roger Clemens, today’s role models are questionable at best. When it comes to ethics and integrity, people can either take the hard right or the easy wrong, and lately the easy wrong has been highlighted. That said, how can you effectively instill ethics in your kid? How do you teach him to tell the truth and ultimately do what is right?

Set an Example
According to Dr. Kevin Leman, author of Have a New Kid by Friday (Revell Books, 2008), ethics and morality are reflective of good parenting. “When you have little ones, it’s important to build parameters,” he explains. “This will form what’s right and wrong in their minds. Kids take psychological, emotional, and spiritual notes on how you live your life.”

For instance, when you’re in a supermarket, if the clerk makes a mistake and gives you $10 change instead of $5, make a point of returning the excess money. “You need to live the life that your kids will emulate,” he says.  “When it comes to ethics and morality, they’ll be watching you.”

The Power of a Lie
As you demonstrate ethical behavior and point out lessons along the way, it’s important to hold children accountable for their fibs, too.  Dr. Leman suggests taking away a freedom or luxury they’re accustomed to such as playing with friends after school.

“When you catch them in a lie, let them know you’re disappointed that they lied,” he says. Then, wait for a teachable moment to connect the dots and show them how telling falsehoods can have negative consequences. For instance, you can explain that by lying about your homework being done so you can play, you won’t be able to ask for help if you need it because you’ll end up doing assignments on the sneak.

Since parents become immersed in shaping their child’s sense of values, taking away certain freedoms and teaching various lessons equate to power.  Parents who let things go too often are essentially relinquishing their power and ability to foster integrity within their household. This is why, Dr. Leman says, it’s important to retain your power and send a clear message that you won’t tolerate lies in order to turn around their behavior.

You Lie, You Lose
One method is to explain your disappointment. “Kids don’t want you to be upset with them. If you turn your back and walk away to say you’re disappointed, they will come after you,” he says. Another way is to show how a lie might affect others.  For instance, if one child lies about doing his chores, the whole family may not get to go on a camping trip as a result.

The most important way to curb lying, however, is to promote and praise honesty. It’s hard to tell the truth sometimes, so use the news and pop culture to illustrate why lying makes the consequences even worse. Unfortunately, finding such examples will be all too easy.

What kinds of little white lies have you let slide?

By Mary Fetzer

When it’s one of those days, the ones where nothing you do seems to sway your little one’s bad behavior, many parents look to the time-out to do the trick. Unfortunately, it just hasn’t worked for you. Either you can’t get your tot to stay still, he laughs at you, or you wind up yelling at him making him more upset.

The good news is time-outs don’t have to be a waste of time if you employ just the right technique. Take some time to read these tips…

What’s the Point of a Time-Out Anyway?

Renee Mostyn is mother to 5-year-old Nicholas and 2-year-old Nathaniel. Mostyn feels strongly that time-outs are effective. “When my boys are fighting,” says Mostyn, “it is unacceptable to me. Putting them in a time-out ends the fight and de-escalates the situation.”

The goal is to help your child learn to cope with frustration and soothe himself, a quality that he can take with him throughout his life. What time-outs shouldn’t be, though, is a form of punishment, says J im Weiss, Ph.D., a licensed psychologist.

“While a time-out can be used as a form of punishment,” says Weiss, “it is not recommended. Time-outs work better if they’re used to shape behavior rather than punish. If time-outs are used as a form of positive reinforcement (that is, rewarding behaviors you want to see more of) or negative reinforcement (which is removing unpleasant conditions to get the behavior you want), they stand a better chance of changing behavior than if they are done in the form of a punishment.”

So, When Can I Start?

Like anything you do with your children, age appropriateness is important. Make sure your child understands what a time-out is before you try to implement it. For most children, this will be between their second and third birthdays.

Some parents start as early as 18 months, but Stephanie Bourgeois thinks that may be too soon. “At this age, it’s actually better to distract a child, or to hold him until he calms down,” says Bourgeois, a psychotherapist. “He will learn to handle his emotions, to control his impulses, and to self-soothe.”

As the child approaches his third birthday, the “distract” or “hold” techniques can be converted to the time-out technique. Now, instead of just diverting the baby from undesirable behavior, you’re adding a quiet place for the child to spend some time alone. The child should be old enough now to understand that he is in this “quiet place” to settle down and get control of himself.

How Do I Do It?

• Do it right away.
  To be effective, the time-out must happen as soon as the misbehavior occurs. Escort your child to a predetermined time-out spot – a kitchen chair, the bottom stair, for instance – and instruct him to quietly remain there.
• Stay calm.
  Keep your demeanor firm, but unemotional. Unlike yelling or being upset, your calm reaction offers positive reinforcement and becomes a “teachable moment.”
• Keep it short.
  In kid time, doing something they don’t like for even one minute may seem like an eternity. So how long should your child be in a time-out? Weiss recommends one minute per year of age (three minutes for a three-year-old, four minutes for a four-year-old, etc.). As the child gets older, the time may vary depending on the behavior, for example “five minutes for fighting.” Oftentimes, it’s the actual removal of the child from the place of misbehavior that makes the impression rather than how long the child sits quietly in time-out.
• Be quiet.
  Screaming and talking should be avoided during the time-out period – and that goes for you, too! The time-out isn’t the time for you to lecture or preach. It’s only in the quiet time alone that the child can come to terms with why he’s there, and what he can do differently the next time.

  At the daycare Mostyn’s children attend, kids in time-out are expected to sit in silence until their time is up. While Mostyn appreciates that the daycare uses time-outs – thus reinforcing her use of them at home – she doesn’t necessarily agree that has to be silent time. “When Nicholas is sitting on the time-out step, I just go about my business, whether that be unloading the dishwasher, or whatever. He may cry, he may protest, but I think that’s alright. By the end of his time-out, he has calmed down and is ready to talk to me.”

• Be consistent.
  Use time-outs consistently. Whether or not you implement a time-out should not be determined by your mood or your location. When your child misbehaves, respond with a time-out, no matter where you. Says Mostyn, “If one of the boys acts up while we’re at a restaurant, I just take him out to the van for five minutes.” Whatever spot you choose for your on-the-go time-out, just make sure it’s unrewarding.
• Reconnect
  Immediately following the time-out, there should be a form of reconnection between you and your child. Weiss advises parents to be careful not to shame or embarrass the child. “Depending on the age of the child, the reconnection might involve a form of praise for cooperation or for calming down, or it might involve noting something elsethe child did well that day, or pointing out that it may be easier to interact now that they have calmed down, or that they are in a better place to solve the original problem.”

  Mostyn agrees. “I get down to their level, on my knees, and we talk calmly about what happened. We always end with a hug or a kiss.”

When It’s Over, It’s Over

Your child has served his time, hopefully learned his lesson and is ready to move on. Let him go. Until next time…